Heterolisation of Gay Men

After a whole day of constructing a paper city for an upcoming ad for Sony, I decided to take a break and lepak on the bed. I found a few Cleo magazines (probably my stepmother's) lying around and noticed an interesting article about tips to detect whether or not your boyfriend is gay entitled 'How Good is Your Gaydar?'

In the article, women are warned to not be deceived by smart good looking men who wants to get it on with them, only to realise later that their spouses are gay and got married to them to lead a conventional life approved by society. And to get babies.

Coincidentally, I was chatting with a distant friend about a sticky situation he's in. Let's just call him Najib. Najib had a gay past. After a while, he resolved to put an end to his homosexuality and started to date a girl. Apparently, the girl was already in love with him and all he had to do is to 'declare' their relationship. Relationship bliss commenced until Najib had a crush with his classmate who happens to be a guy. As time passed by, Najib's feelings towards his classmate grew deeper, to a point that they are comfortable cuddling with eachother like lovebirds.

Afiq: So your gf now is a cover up lah?

Najib: Maybe. But i really love her.

Afiq: I love eggs. Can you imagine yourself with her in the future?

Najib: I donno anymore!!!! I don't want to break her feelings... Arghhhh!

The moment I realised that he carried on with the relationship with his girlfriend because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, I knew for a fact that the relationship is one sided. She is in love with him and Najib accepted her love, hoping that this turn of events is meant to aide his heterolisation (there is no such word) process. Sure it's not 'true' love but Najib thought that he will learn to love her as time goes by.

Maybe it's a good thing that Najib decided to become straight and proceed with the one sided relationship. This will not only stop Najib from committing acts of homosexuality, he will also have his lifestyle approved by his family and the society. But what if an old flame resurface and a Brokeback Mountain situation arises?

I've never condone homosexuality but I do however condemn people making decisions for the sake of conventions.

If Najib got into the relationship with his girlfriend because he wants to, I see no foreseeable trouble. But if Najib got in the ride because he wants to test-drive it and see how far it can go with his supply of petrol, I will feel pity for the car and detest the heartless driver for not committing to buy the damn car.

This is worldview by Afiq Deen, who is against homosexuality but according to Cleo, dating gay men is a big No-No so they provided a long list of the things you want to watch out for like condition of current/potential boyfriend's hair, facial hair, socks, shirts, jeans, music and TV shows. Yeah, I know, whatever.

Should women be worried if their boyfriends had a gay past? If they get married to their straightened boyfriends, will his gay flame be under wraps, only to combust in the future?

Okay it's my turn to "Arghhhhh!"

Salam Maal Hijrah

Sometimes, Allah breaks our spirit to save our souls. He breaks our hearts to make it whole. He sends us pain so we can be stronger. He sends failure so we can be humble. He sends us illnesses so we can take care of ourselves.

Sometimes Allah takes everything away from use so we can learn the value of everything He gave us. Allah is great.

-Dina Zaman

And here's a television commercial I made that was aired on TV1 last year. (I know, who watch TV1 nowadays??? orang asli?)

Annoying Malaysian Drivers

1. Makcik. Anyone can be a Makcik. Yes, even you, you 40 something old man! Makcik is a driver who hesitates everytime he/she makes a turn or changes lane. It seems like a simple right turn to Lorong Perda is consequential to the Makcik's upcoming future. "Will I find Mr Right along this lorong or will I fall into a larger than life manhole and die? Think think think..."

2. Tailgater. I was driving a Kancil on the left lane when a lorry appeared from the highway. The traffic light was red so I stopped but the lorry kept nudging forward and got so damn close to the Kancil. I'm on the left lane lah macha... Wadehel! (assuming the lorry driver is indian. I know. So damn racist) When I got closer to the traffic light, the lorry accelerated and braked when it is a few centimeters away from the Kancil. Ba alif ba ya punya tailgater!

3. Akak. Akak has something in common with Makcik. Both of them are big time hesitators but Akak hesitates because he/she is either on the phone or texting 'abg, hunny lupa beli kerret so abg belikn kt kedai ahseng tu ; p' Akak is more dangerous than Makcik because they are easily frightened. Once they realise that a lorry is beside them after they finished sms-ing, they will lose control for a few seconds before regaining their composure. What if you're in the car on the other lane? Tak ke mampos tu?

4. Anak Datuk. Young teenagers in expensive cars who thinks their bapak owns the road. Know your anak Datuk: They are equipped with cool shades, wears un-ironed designer T-shirts and RM1280.99 flip flops. It's hard to detect them because they look like any other scruffy teenagers wearing RM10 pasar malam flip flops. They are the ones that mysteriously appear from behind when you're trying to overtake a vehicle. They will flash their lights and when you rush to the left lane, they will do something that makes you boil like a pot of cooked maggie; they will smirk.

5. Keling. You don't have to be indian to be a Keling, really. Keling is a term used to describe a driver who drives a small car but drive as though they're driving a merc or a lorry. They will tekan minyak their tiara/kancil/kenari/whathaveyou as if they're chasing after a villain (you can see their cars trembling like mad) They are also very dramatic in their car. If you're too slow to give way, they'll glare at you like you'd just slept with their wife. The only thing missing when a Keling is driving are claps of thunder.

6. Lebai. Lebai are drivers who wears an attire that makes them look religious like serban, jubah etc but drive like satans.

7. Chris and RiRi. Fighting couples are not only dangerous drivers, they are also potentially fatal. The root of their problems could be anything, from smell of new perfume to a rolling gossip. If you're driving behind them, you will see RiRi doing all the shouting and Chris will appear stoned with his hands surgically attached to the steering wheel. RiRi will quiet down and say something final in a sarcastic whisper that pierces through Chris's heart like "You're small down under anyway.." or "At least he rocked my boat till it sinks.." At this moment, you might want to find an excuse to park beside the road because an accident will soon commence.

8. Frat Party. You know how it is when a group of undergrads takes on the road. With their amounting egos at stake, even an innocent overtaking can trigger a mentos-coke reaction. It is best to smile at them or better, give them a 'best' gesture. These simple gestures will have a reverse effect on them (if you ignore them, they will think they've won over you.) and they will think of their mothers or their upcoming exams.

9. Ah Long. Aeroback spoiler: check. Dragon sticker: check. Spiky blonde hair: check. Shades with sharp edges: check. An Ah Long is driving. Give the shark some space to roam. Oh look a police car! Sharks becomes anchovies (ikan bilis).

10. Penangites. They are the embodiment of all the mentioned types of drivers. Their kiasu attitude and impatience is strictly a Penang thing. Pay them no heed because they don't give a rat's ass anyway. It's their way of life. You can't force a malay to work harder or a chinese to take a shower in the morning or an indian to stop embellishing. It's how they are, that's all.

The Great Outdoors

Aaah, the great outdoors. Nothing can clear your mind better than co-existing with nature and surviving the obvious.

I slept outside covered with a kelambu for a good 5 hours before it rained. When the alarm was sound, I crashed into my brother's tent Atlantis. I named it Atlantis because the tent is just so much cooler with a mythical/galactical name.

At night, as the adults spent their time reminiscing their yesteryears, and the teenagers emo-ed by the sandy beach, I lied down on the sand and gazed upon hundreds of stars, and that annoying satelite and ooooh look, a plane! I played Enigma songs on my iPod and imagined the stars to move according to the rythm's whims. Aaaah, bliss... oh look, another plane!

Tanjung Bungah is not exactly an ideal place to camp but because there were kids, we had to compromise. The fact that our apartment is just a minute away is also a supporting factor of this concensus. It's not exactly camping but it felt pretty much like the real thing. Better this than the last time I camped with UIA folks. Praying 8 to 11 with additional tazkirah in the middle of the jungle is NOT camping. Baik duduk asrama!

True camping aside, one thing is evident after two night of sleeping by the beach: I have a renewed appreciation for orthopedic specialist approved mattresses and pillows.

Anak Ikan

Anak ikan is term used by malaysian gay men to describe teenage boys who are in their pubescent period. They can be from 12 to 18 years of age, as long as they retain their boyish features and charms.

I first stumbled on the word anak ikan when a gay friend told me that his friend has an endless supply of boytoys in his rather large and extravagant abode. "Anak ikan, dia ramai betul anak ikan. Mentang-mentanglah mak bapak dia kaya raya, selamba gajah je dia bela."

"Anak ikan? Apasal panggil dorang anak ikan?"

"Kalau you letak tangan you dalam aquarium mesti ikan-ikan follow kan? Kalau you ade roti lagilah.. Lebih kurang macam tu lah."

I asked him in detail how his metaphore applies in real life and as soon as he finished, I was taken aback. His explaination was quite harmless, that anak ikan are cute growing teens who hangs out with older men but the unsaid extended to a whole new level of grotesque.

Because teenage boys are extremely curious, gay men who courted them took advantage of this by giving them options to explore their sexuality.

For example, Zaki is a 15 year old highschool student who lives in a flat. He has a striking face, a body of a lingering youth and popeye-ish sexual drive. We were all Zaki at some point so you should what I mean. But Zaki comes from a relatively poor family who can't afford to provide Zaki what they consider an extravagant lifestyle. So this is where Wenkty comes into the story. Wenkty is an open gay man who is priveledged enough to buy a Fendi once a week.

In a day-to-day swirl of circumstances, Wenkty met Zaki. Wenkty introduced Zaki to his world, where the Sky Bar is as easily accessible as McDonald's and a Nike shoe is bought with small change. There is no said contract. Zaki wants a piece of Wenkty lifestyle, Wenkty wants a pubescent companion that he can take care of. It's a done deal.

No harm there right? When you put a mature gay man and a curious teenager in a same hotel room, what do you think would happen?

A rather distant friend disclosed to me that he and his anak ikan's night activities are acts of innocent homoeroticism. Solah, a successful sales executives who happens to be gay told me that what he enjoyed most of having anak ikan around is that that they are easily persuaded.

"Once, I told him that nudism is a normal thing in my household and he should respect that." Solah said enthusiastically, as if telling a first part of a joke. "I had him stark naked for one whole week in my house. Seronok! Especially when I flirted with him, I like them anak ikan steamed!" He guffowed, pouncing on the kedai mamak's signature metallic table. I was disgusted but laughed anyway, out of courtesy.

"What else do you do with your anak ikan?"

"Everything else I can of course. I gave him what he wants but God knows I'm the one who had all the fun!"

"Like?"

"I gave them handjobs, blowjobs,.."

"And sex?"

"Oh no, not sex! Never sex. They are anak ikan for goodness sake, not my hubby. I just, you know, have fun with them. Are you planning to make a movie about anak ikan now Afiq? Nah try this blog." Solah keyed in something in his blackberry and passed it to me.

The blog was about a transexual who blogged about her sexual escapades and in her latest entry, she posted pictures of her anak ikan group masturbating to straight porn.

"Ni extra co-curricular activitieslah ni! Hahaha!" Solah let out his infamous laugh once again.

In some coutries, you can get arrested and put in jail for commiting ANY sexual act with minors, with or without the minor's consent. And I'm surprised, surprised at how people seems to be okay with this. Just this morning I read a status from one of my facebook friends:

What if you're the parents of this anak ikan? What would you do to people who'd taken advantage of your pubescent child's youth? What if you were the anak ikan in question in retrospect? When you've gotten married with children, how would you react to memories of you being an anak ikan?

Remember, we were all Zaki once.

Usus Goreng Kentucky

I sawed bones, played with innards and inflated intestines with water. Good fun. I felt a tad nostalgic because as a child, I loved playing with internal organs of slaughtered cows. It took about 10 minutes for me to saw off a relatively large bone whereas a shark could have easily bit it to bits in less than a second.

Tok was about to bury a set of intestines until I enquired "Boleh makan tak usus ni?"

Tok looked gravely at me, as if I said something taboo. "Boleh.." she replied hesitantly.

I inflated the intestines with water and it looked like something out of a war movie set. I then boiled it with a few pieces of perut. When softened, I mixed in Kentucky frying flour with egg whites before frying it to a crisp. When I sampled a finished product, the archangel Gabriel came down from the heavens and farted in my mouth. It was THAT beautiful! It tasted so good that I thought I should share it other people, which I did, only to receive a rather cold reception.

"Tapi sedap gilerrrr!" I insisted.

Tok, out of courtesy, pinched a finger-bite portion and swallowed it immeadiately. There was agony in her face and disgust in her squinting eyes.

"Sedap cucu tok masak.." she said unconvincingly.

Paksu defied medical explaination when he said he felt something queesy in his stomach just after eating a piece of intestine.

I returned to the kitchen and asked Kak Su. "Kenapa orang tak makan ya?"

"Orang sini memang buang bahagian dalaman. Kalau di Jawa sana, di kampung Kak Su, semuanya dimakan. Cumanya kami tak makan punggungnya."

"Bontot ayam tak makan?" a flashback of the whole family devouring satay tonggek. "Pelik."

Selamat Hari Raya Korban

Sacrifice is the word of the day. Sacrifice.

ie:

Prophet Ibrahim almost slayed his son prophet Prophet Ismail because he was instructed by God to do so. Sacrifice.

Mahathir slayed a few racist troublemakers with Ops Lalang to ensure peace in the country. Sacrifice.

Our country let PR win in several states to teach BN a lesson. Sacrifice.

School lessons were taught on tables just before SPM. Sacrifice.

SPM students who lives in hostels had to eat maggie because their canteens are flooded. Sacrifice.

To eat the maggie goreng cooked by my beloved father even when I'm on a strict diet. Sacrifice.

Alor Setar

I'm off to Alor Setar. Tak sabar tengok banjir! Seen it, heard it but I never actually experience it.

NOW

It bothered me a bit that I live most of my life preoccupied with the past and future. My aspirations results nothing but anxiety and my past made me a product of consequences. I think almost everyone is trapped in this mindset prism. I feel connected to so many affiliations that it limits my progress to be the best that I can be. Race, language, religion, family background etc. are made to define who I am as a person.

Some people thinks those affiliations is very important to determine one's self worth. If Barrack Obama defines himself with his religion, race and family background, he wouldn't have become the first black president of the United States.

Who I am is a consequnce of what I am doing not what I did or about to do. This concept is still very new to me so I'm still adjusting.

I have a temper, my merajuk episodes are legendary. But when I understood the -I am who I am Now- concept, I made the best effort to see myself from another vantage point. For the sake of explaining, I see myself from a CCTV camera positioned in the corner of the room. This very thought calmed me down a lot when I get temperamental.

At the risk of sounding preachy, let's do this together. Slowly shed off all our affiliations and be what we want to be.

I want to be on Oprah!

Oh wait, I heard she's retiring.

Afiq Tengah Emo

What does it take for me to get an internship? I just don't get it. I just don't fucking get it.

I'm tired of courting with ad agencies, sending dozens of resumes, sending in expensive portfolios and argh..! Can't you tell? I'm in a very bad mood today.

Everyone wants me to grab whatever is in front of me and run with it but I want more, something that is almost out of my reach. That's why I abandoned architecture and decided to take up advertising. But after months of trying to get in, I found myself in the same spot as I was when I first started. It is as if I was running in circles. I'm so frustrated with myself. I have to achieve more to show them I'm bloody fucking talented! I may not come from a rich family and have powerful connections but I am hardworking, passionate and fuming with eternal rage.

It's just so hard..! I'm only human. Forgive me for showing my weakness for a few minutes. I know I have to work harder, fuck off. I know I have to do more, don't tell me 'What are you waiting for!'

I need a shoulder to cry on that's all. Everyone thinks I'm strong and have a bright future, as if I was given a silver spoon from the get go. I fooled a lot of people, I know. I have a bankrupt mother and a father who retired early from the police force. I'm not priviledged so yes, to a certain extent, I am strong. Don't be fooled with my english. Not all english speaking malays are well off. I am a sad charity case. I live in my aunts' houses, not being able to afford to rent my own. This is a case for many people my age but they settled for less. I want more. But more is fucking hard to get. It's achievable but as I wallow in my misery, it seems like a continent away.

Emo is my word for today. I'm very emo today. With a life so stagnant and unproductive like mine, I can't help it. Let me be.